regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
