Someone shit on the floor
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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