just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
