Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
