He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
