This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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