Will you blow on my dice?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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