i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
