no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
