just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
