im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
