That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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