he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
