Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
