I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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