Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
