you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
