last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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