I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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