If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
