burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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