My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
