You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
