Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
