I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
