My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
