apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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