i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
