I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
