Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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