True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
