i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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