If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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