Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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