im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
