You're my little dorito
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Too much gin, very little bucket
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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