Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
