also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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