Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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