He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
