He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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