I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
