um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
