I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
