just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
