She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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