I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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