cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
