I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
