i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
