I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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