she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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